These issues (that began in childhood and went off the rails as a teenager) contuined even after high school. Sad to say it was my use of weed that was the only thing that got me to eat. Because when I was high, I was hungry. I ate. I began to fill back out to a normal size, but not huge yet, by any means. At 19 I found myself engaged and married at 20. My first husband (I call my practice marriage) and I got pregnant. We lost the baby. I remember the doctor telling me and asking me if I wanted to talk to a priest. I asked why since God let this happen. That was my thoughts then. And I blamed God, I cursed God, I told God to F off. This was before I was saved and I had no faith. No relationship with God. I was on a path of sin and destruction. I do not feel that way today. It hurts my heart and soul to know I said and thought these things to and about God.
I became very depressed. Between hormones, depression pills and depression I turned once again to food. I blew up to 298 pounds. The biggest I have ever been. I also in that time gave birth to a healthy beautiful child. That pregnancy gave me liscense to eat for 2. I ate for 2 alright… 2 football teams. If it was not nailed down I ate it. I justified it by being pregnant. I had a unhealthy pregnancy. By the Grace of God the baby was healthy. I had preclampcia, I bled profusely, and was put on bed rest… all of it. It was horrible. But again, by Gods Grace all ended good even though I did not give God credit.
Then one day when my child was about 3 I got a phone call that my uncle had a heart attack. He lived, but wow… scary. He was only in his 50’s. I was not healthy. In that same week my aunt, also around 50 years old, had one also. Now I was scared. Both survived, but yikes. I looked at my child and said, “I am in my 20s, I am 298 pounds, I am on depression pills, I am in a mental, emotional, and physical battle with food and health. Would I be around to see my kid gradute from high school, get married, have kids?” Not if I stayed this unhealthy. So I made a choice to fix me.
I got a trainer and started working out. When I first started I could not even do 5 minutes on the treadmill. I could not do a single situp, or anything really. But my trainer never gave up on me. He pushed me and I hit my goals. When I hit 160 pounds I was almost to my total goal. I remember my child hugging and looking up and saying, “Mommy, I can get my arms around you!” It was an amazing moment and inspiration to keep going. I decided to cut off my extra loose skin. I did not go all the way around, just my belly. No lipo, just skin. The doctor told me I could not loose too much more weight or the loose skin would come back and I would be in the same situation.
All this time I still struggled with food, but I also had a love affair with drinking. I loved my mixed drinks, and hard liquor, and wine. Not healthy. I stayed working out but all the drinking was negating a lot of my work and goals. But I was so lost, so broken, and so wanting to be liked. That meant partying, and that lifestyle of sin.
Fast forward to now. As I said, I am 41. I am blessed to be saved. But before I was saved I had a carreer that was my dream. To interview and shoot bands. I am talking everyone from Papa Roach to Korn. I got to stand on stage and shoot Bullet for My Valentine and other bands. I got to know some bands by seeing and interviewing them over and over for years. Then I was blown away when the band Badflower wore our hats with our logo on stage, off stage, and even a late night television show. I was honored and blown away. But in this lifestyle I needed to look good, to be pretty, and cool… and all that. This led to a dark time where I turned back to not eating. I became the smallest I had ever been since I was anorexic in high school. I got to 102 pounds. My friend and trainer who helped me drop all my weight from the start of my journey thought I was taking meth. My hair and teeth were falling out. I was blacking out and having all sorts of health issues. But I did not see this.
I was and still am obsessed with what I eat, working out, and all of it. At one point I called a help line because I wanted to commit suicide. I felt fat, ugly, and useless. I still struggle with this today. I was shocked when they asked for a credit card before they would talk to me. But with the love of my hubby and child I kept trying to get well. I started weight lifting. Today I am bigger than I want to be. I struggle with my big. But most importantly, I have something now I never had before, and that is a relationship with God. When I got saved I did not realize that it would help me with all my food issues and crazy. God has stepped in and is healing me. When I am having a down moment or a pity party, I open the bible and I read verses that give me strength and courage. The best promise is that He loves me (and all of us) no matter what. I just need to accept His Grace, Love, and not listen to the “worldview”. The view the world has about us all that tells us what we need to look like, dress like, etc. I am a one and only. We all are, and God did that by design. So I need not compare myself to others and I need not to hate me. I am a creation of God. Saying I hate me is telling God he messed up making me. All this gives me the strength to battle my issues.
As I said, the story is still being written. But I am here to say, when nothing else could fix my problems… pills, diets, drugs, liquor, one night stands, and sin after sin, God did. He forgave me, he is making me a new creature. No sin is greater than God, and when you pray, have faith he will heal. I will update as the story continues here at BeHappyNews.
